I recently read an article written by Dr. Kelly Brogan M.D. called “Depression is the Medicine” and it really changed the way I feel about the depression that keeps popping up throughout my life. Dr. Brogan is a holistic women’s health psychiatrist and author of “A Mind of Your Own”. I have followed Dr. Brogan for a few years now since I saw her interview on Sean Croxton’s Digestion Sessions.
Dr. Brogan writes: “What if depression is an almost essential part of the process of awakening to yourself, to your wildness?”
Two days ago I retreated upstairs to my bedroom. I curled up in bed and started to cry a little. Crying used to be something I did a lot. Now it seems that I can’t get much out of myself. My husband came upstairs, covered me up a little and told me to go ahead and cry some more. He told me about a book he read by OSHO who said when you feel sad, to just dive into it. Stay home, stay in bed, and close the blinds. Cry until you can’t cry any more. Don’t fight it or push it away, and when its over you will be so sick of crying and feeling sorry for yourself that you will be so excited to be happy. This made me laugh and I felt much better.
And then I read this article and I was like damn, I really gotta be thankful that I can feel. Be thankful that I have this opportunity to look inside myself to see what is going wrong. Maybe I don’t know how to fix it but I need to stop masking it and pretending its not there. That has only gotten be numbness.
I’m pretty fucking done with numbness.
What has been taken away from us as women? Our intuition, our spark, our fire. Why do we have to push our feminine selves away? To accommodate others? We are creative life givers who cannot be told to hide our bodies or our minds any longer. When you grow breasts you are told to cover up, when you get your period you are put on birth control, when you are sad they give you antidepressants. Girls and women are always told to stop being sexy, stop being wanted, and stop posting selfies. What if I walked into a room of friends and stopped complaining about my body or my emotions? What if I said “I look great today”, “I am excited to get my period back after having my baby”.
What if I’m falling apart into millions of tiny pieces because its time for me to be awakened. I am shedding old versions of myself, over and over again. My body is telling me this and I am here to listen. I will show up for myself. Depression is a portal into new growth that I am ready to step into. On the other side of my pain, my grief, my sorrow is something so much clearer.
“Tears are a river that take you somewhere. Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul-life. Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace new, someplace better.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estés